Trying to live life...with a stupid ED in my head!

August 02, 2008

Late!

I thought I'd have time to blog this morning but I really really don't! My alarm somehow didn't go off and I'm leaving in about half an hour and I just got out of the shower. I'm going up north until the 11th and I won't be near a computer until I come back.
Keep some discussions going and be supportive!
I'll talk to you all when I get back :)

20 comments:

samswimchick said...

Okay, problem.
Today my scale told me a shocking number. . .
Okay, I know I'm crazy.
I thought it was too high.
The average person would freak out and run for a hamburger.
Anyway. . .I'm really doubting if I want to gain weight right now.
Actually, I know. . .I don't!

Alyssa said...

You know that you need to gain weight if you want to be healthy, if you want to LIVE the rest of your life! If you are underweight, you need to fight ed and tell yourself that yo need to gain weight to be healthy, to live normally. I know ed is in your head, telling you that there is a way to stay underweight and maintain that weight, but there isn't. Ed will always try to make you go lower and lower. Keep trying to fight ed and ask yourself what good ed has ever done for you. Seek reassurance in your family and support team and know that you need to do what is best for you and not ed!

samswimchick said...

*sigh.
Thank you, this is so hard.
I think I'm just going to mantain right now.
I've already gained about 6 pounds total.
Maybe just taking a little break will help me get more confortable.
It seems like it's happening so fast. . .even though it's been like 10 months since I decided to stop losing.
I just don't feel pretty at all anymore.

Alyssa said...

Do you see a dietitian or nutritionist? You should be on a meal plan that is designed to help you gain weight slowly and healthfully, not binging on a bunch of food, especially unhealthy food.

samswimchick said...

Oh, I am not a "binger" by any means. What I meant to say was that it feels like it's happening quickly, even though it really isn't.

I'm not on an eating plan but I really don't think that would work for me. I adore cooking and food. To make it as boring as chicken brest and broccoli would ruin my fun!

The weight I've put on is muscle and healthy for sure. I swim a lot and I can just feel that I'm not "flabby."

I don't think I'd stick to an eating plan. I feed myself all my meals. I eat alone for the most part. . .so it's more of someone watching what I eat. Which I hate. =/

Alyssa said...

I didn't mean that you binge! I guess that might have been my ed talking because sometimes ed makes me think that I am "binging" when I have eaten safe foods and then have a couple of challenging (aka higher calorie) foods in a row, or have a little chunk of cookie because I want to, etc. A meal plan isn't like having chicken and vegies at dinner every night, though I know what you mean! It is just a plan with the number of servings of each food group to eat each day. Each person is different, for example people who are underweight, their meal plans have more tallies because they are on a restoration plan. It is just meant to guide people who are struggling, and sometimes it can become a crutch, which is another issue. I hope things are better!

samswimchick said...

Sort of, I'm seeing my therapist soon. And my Dr. So untill then I'll just mantain. Thank you so much for just being here.

Alyssa said...

No problem. I wish we can get more discussions going until she comes back. Anyone have anything they need/want to talk about?

Anonymous said...

How do you get back your self-confidence? I'm coming back from an eating disorder. I'm at a weight that I'm comfortable with and my doctor is comfortable with, but I'm still not confident with my body. The number isn't what is scaring me anymore but the body in the mirror. I know the scale is saying I'm not fat but I see fat in the mirror. I'm most self-conscious about my stomach and I see this little round belly staring straight back at me. That little gut gets me every time! I want to get back to where I felt confident about my body, but right now I just hide in self-consciousness. Any tips?

Anonymous said...

I think I'd rather have a little belly, then be to skinny. Right now I hate my body and wish I wasn't just skin and bones. I don't even enjoy buying clothes anymore and I hate thinking about wearing a dress for homecoming because of what I'll look like. I'm working on gaining weight though and now that you're there you should be happy that you are healthier.

Anonymous said...

I didn't mean to sound rude in any way if it came off that way.

Alyssa said...

I am still regaining my self-confidence, but it has gotten loads better since ed was really strong. I don't really have any tricks, but I really only started to gain confidence when I was finally at my "goal" weight. A lot of it is just acceptance that this is what your body looks like; you can't be any thinner because then you would be eating all of the food your body needs. That is one thing that helps me a lot. It reminds me that I cannot look any thinner without not eating enough, and that wouldn't be good. I never wanted to go clothes shopping when I was too thin either. My face was shallow and bones stuck out of me, though I know I could have looked worse, but I obviously looked malnourished. You just have to keep reassuring yourself that this is where you are meant to be and that things could be worse. I have slowly been learning to like my body, though I still have a lot of days when I don't like the way I look and I know that I think I look bigger than I do. You just have to keep reminding yourself that you are not as big as you think you are, that it is just ed trying to make you feel bad. Hope that helps!

Anonymous said...

I have a question, I'm not severely underweight and I'm currently working on gaining weight but I was wondering if your hair starts to fall out because I thought I heard that. Not badly like in clumps I just notice a few strands after showering.

Alyssa said...

Yeah, your hair does fall out if you are not eating enough. Although the average person loses around 100 strands a day, you notice that you start losing a lot more than usual.

Anonymous said...

Ok, Thank you. That is kind of scary to me and makes me want to be at a healthier weight even more! I'm really trying to eat frequently throughout the day and I eat a lot of peanut butter, nuts, and avocado. I never feel not hungry anymore but If it is going to help me then I don't mind. Do you think it's ok that I exercise still? I'm going to start practicing for my softball team and I enjoy riding my bike and jogging for about 30 minutes. Any tips are appreciated!

Alyssa said...

Exercise has always been a trigger for me. I always felt like I have to exercise a certain amount in order to "maintain" the weight I am at. I know that it is ok to do lighter exercise when you are recovering (such as leisure walks and light weight lifting) but it is essential that you are eating enough to make up for the calories you are burning through exercise and that you are NOT exercising because you want to lose weight or to feed ed. If you are trying to gain weight you also need to be making sure that you are eating enough calories to keep restoration going. But I am by no means an expert, and if you are suffering from an ed you should seek treatment, like professional dietitians/therapists/doctors, but I know you know that :)

Anonymous said...

Again, thank you so much. I used to think I had to exercise so much too and now I just like to because it relaxes me and makes me feel so good. I never do anything intense anymore and don't plan on it! And what do you mean for sure when you say eating enough calories to keep restoration going.

Alyssa said...

What I mean by restoration is if you are still trying to gain weight because you are underweight. Obviously if you exercise when you are still underweight and you do not need enough, you are not going to restore. I can't remember if you said you are at your goal weight or not, or if you are still trying to gain weight/restore. If you are still trying to gain weight and you are exercising, you need to make sure you eat enough food so that you keep gaining weight even though you are exercising. I hope that makes sense!

Anonymous said...

yes it does! and I'm not at my goal weight. Again thanks for all your help!

Alyssa said...

No problem! I know how hard it is to gain weight when ed is screaming at you not to. It is still hard, staying at a weight where your body is happy, but then you think about what life was like when you were too thin and realize how important it is to stay healthy.